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Chapter One – Me and Julio Down By The School Yard

Before becoming an international singing sensation, Julio Inglesias studied law in his native Spain. In between studying and trying to score with the ladies, men tried to score on him. You see Julio was a goalkeeper the world famous Real Madrid soccer team. Tragically his career as an athlete ended when he almost died in a car accident. Fortunately for the world, it was during his recovery that he began writing songs.

It all began one fateful Wednesday morning. The day began as everyday began for Melvin during the past five years. He woke up. Put on his jogging suit and sneakers. Kissed his wife Doris goodbye and went for his morning jog.

Well at least that’s what Doris thought. What she didn’t know was that Melvin had never jogged a day in his life. And it’s funny, since it was pretty obvious that Melvin wasn’t jogging. In five years of marriage and five years of jogging, Melvin hadn’t lost any weight. As a matter of fact, he had actually put on some 20 pounds. Oh don’t think this didn’t cross Doris’ mind. She was no dummy. She had after all graduated from the top of her class at Apex Tech with a degree in Welding (She was currently working as a plasma cutter). She just figured it was his diet.

In between plasma cutting and crocheting, Doris made homemade pasta. She made a lot of homemade pasta. Spaghetti, Penne, Shells, Rigatoni, Lasagna, ravioli. She made it all. And Melvin ate it all. He had to. He loved his wife very much and didn’t want to upset her. He upset her once and never wanted to do it again.

He always thought you could use V8 instead of plain tomato juice to make a Bloody marry. Apparently he was wrong. And as he cleaned the wall, mopped the floor and picked up the broken glass and celery he made an oath to do his best to never upset his wife again.

So he ate the pasta. And it really wasn’t that bad. Melvin thanked god that his metabolism was so high, since god only knew how fat he actually would be if it weren’t.

No what his wife didn’t know was that after Melvin kissed her goodbye, stretched in the front and jogged down the street out of site, he’d stop and just walk. And he’d walk to the town park. And he’d sit on the park bench and just watch the birds.

Melvin loved birds. He studied their calls, their colors, the way they flew, the way they interacted with one another and other animals. He was well studied in the subject of birds. As a matter a fact, he actually knew more about birds than Dr. Staley Fisher, the local expert at the town Zoo. It didn’t matter though, since he never told anyone about his love for birds. His wife was cat lover and he always assumed she wouldn’t like birds, being that cats and birds generally don’t get along. He was right, she didn’t like birds. But not for that reason. No her dislike for birds stemmed from when she was a child and her older brother took her to see Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. The movie itself scared her enough. What terrified her was the walk home from the theater when birds actually did attack her. To this day she never knew that her brother had put a few pieces of popcorn in her jacket hood. Those pigeons got one whiff of that butter coated, salted popped corn and went crazy. They chased her all the way across the park, down Main Street and all the way up to her front stoop.

Anyways, that’s why she hated birds. But Melvin loved birds and today there seemed to be a lot of Blue Jays about. Which meant the squirrels would be in hiding. It seems squirrels hated Blue Jays. Melvin blamed it on the Blue Jay birdcall. It was more like a bird screech. For some reason it drove squirrels insane. They’d be sitting there chewing on an acorn and a Blue Jay would swoop down and let out its “screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!” call and something would just malfunction in the squirrel’s brain. “Time to go insane!” And it would. It would just start scurrying as fast as it could until it came to something in its path and then it would shoot off in some other direction. It would do this for like 25 seconds. Doesn’t seem like a long time. But to a squirrel it’s like running a marathon. They are drained and exhausted when they finally stop. That’s why when the Jays are out squirrels are usually nowhere to be found.

But today was no usual day. And the fact that the squirrel was out was just the first of the many unusual things that would occur on this Wednesday. The event that would begin the changes in Melvin’s life happened very fast. I guess you could actually blame it on the squirrel. Or the Blue Jay. Or maybe even the V8 (vodka spiked) drinking rollerblading albino.

Still the fact is, Melvin would not be hanging over the side of the sailboat, wearing the hot pink halter top and the leopard skin print mini skirt if wasn’t for Julio Iglesias.