did you have the tamborine fastened to the hi-hat? I gave Stan one of those for x-mas one year.
Awake again...uh, yeah...I HAD one, and bought it specifically because I grew up (well, on the drums) on Budgie...had one, except I lent it to one of my sister's ex's, and I keep expecting it to show up in one of their band photos and imagine it made it into a recording or two...last time bumped into him it was a little uncomfortable. I'm not sure if my little tiff (on this very board! does everyone remember that highpoint in my life? Now I try not to hyperlink pages of people I know whom I do not like, no matter how important it might be for me to be able to put a face to the story) with
his self-righteous, posturing phoney jerk-off of a bandmate/"best friend" got back to him*, but he said that he still had the tambourine and would drop it off some time. He never did. Then I read that their gear was stolen last year. It was a pricey one, too, but I am not sure how I would go about getting it back. I really want it back, though. It cost me more than $40 and for MY level gear, that is rather pricey...'cause my drumset could use $40 of repairs or four new skins or whathaveyou. Shit, now I am pissed off again.
* after complaining that I should not have discussed such things on THIS board in case the other parties saw it (how they would is anyone's guess - neither of them ever came here), he promptly went and
bragged about the incident on his Web Journal, which both individuals DID read regularly. If he thought changing his best friend's name to "my best friend" and quoting a good 750 words of my ranting verbatim (except names were blanked - which is about as confusing as bleeping "fuck" out of the sentence "Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself?" on television) was going to obfuscate the source or the incident, he is a bigger idiot than I originally believed. My sister figured out EXACTLY what happened about ten hours after Dan banned said asshole from this page, so it is entirely possible her ex did as well. I was still drinking at the time and I am lucky I did not bump into him at any shows after that, 'cause I really felt like belting a complete fraud for petty egotism. That was the irony, that is what made me truly upset. Sure, that he popped up here following a drunken rant of mine where I savaged his music and his pretense and his pretentious pontificating and posturing (which began as an aside to my real anger which stemmed from concern involving my sis' break-up - I went with the attacking the other guy because it was easier and I never liked the other guy - my sister's ex was a nice guy, but fucked up - worst of all - I recognized it), which I thought nothing of linking directly to his homepage - which is what lead him here, WAS EMBARRASSING, and I was afraid that it would get back to the ex guy 'cause I knew it would have upset my sister at the time, but that was it. And so, in good faith I explained why I did not want it to get back to either of them and even dampened my actual concern in order to placate him - I knew he was pissed off, but it still hurt me to pretend like it was all just a foolish rant. To be honest, I felt like a worm on a hook, and that is precisely what he was going for: it is precisely what he bragged about in his little WebJournal: "The important thing is that I think I really embarassed him." (actual quote - I just found the response I wrote to his journal entry that I never sent to him in a huge portfolio of my writing that was rescued from that old computer that died over two years ago) ...it was crystal clear that imagined affront to his friend (who would never see what I wrote) was his moral rationalization for attacking me for I wrote about HIM. Fully aware of how angry he was because of the crude, awful shit I said about him (not intended for him to read either - I mean, it was full of my standard hyperbole (pushed to crude and nothing more by a large quantity of drink), and more so of how embarrassed HE was to have been ridiculed that way (I found what he removed from my writing quite telling - he did not only drop the bits about the other parties, but the lines where I mocked his guitar aptitude, rock posturing, and how much of a leech he was - he only left in what he could use to satisfy his bruised ego), so I really played up the miserable wretch character. It was undeniable that I was - he met me after I turned into a 200Lb recluse alcoholic and my relationship with W____ was in its final months. This happened after everything became much, much worse and I was back living with my parents and nothing but a drinking problem, which I am sure he heard about through the previously mentioned third party. So, in a shameful bit of self-preservation, I basically humiliated myself for his pleasure and then stroked his ego a bit hoping to halt it from damaging my relationship with my sister, which had taken enough hits at the time.
"The important thing is that I think I really embarassed him. Within an hour, he called me and apologized profusely. Over an hour long conversation, this guy really opened up to me. He said he didn't hate me, but was frustrated with me because I seem to have everything figured out."Interesting take on what I said, again, it is interesting what people hear vs. what is said. Actually, let me be more precise: it is interesting what people
acknowledge of what they hear. They hear all the words, but which ones are filtered? I figured the only way I could survive human relationships was take off the filter and just assume that everything is negative and that no one likes me. If someone does like mine, I better feel it. This rather destroyed the prospects of a relationship with poor W____. He picked up that I did not like him ("I really do think that he dislikes me"), but then I was very careful to not stoop so low that I actually lied. I told him the truth: I was exaggerating when I said that I "hated" him (it was a throwaway line everything I wrote was utterly hampered by drink. The actual line of mine: "So, anyway...I fell out with him (never liked him much in the first place) and began getting more and more annoyed with his online posts...finally I realized that I hated him...", that was all, the line was simply an intro to a screed against social cowards. Sounds odd coming from me, but I am awkward in social situations because I hate acting - so, basically I am afraid of the cowards. The cowards are the ones I fear, the cowards make up the bulk of humanity. Am I better off? Who wins life? I hope I can make a go of my philosophy of life...but it is likely my life will be filled with strife, a struggle...I may even succumb to my weaknesses laid bare. I cannot play the game. Or perhaps, if I were more honest I would see that I am just playing a different angle. Perhaps, I have, like so many time before, become worse than what I despise. Sometimes it is enough that I am not them...but I get so alone at times.
He interpreted my self-deprecation as "opening up" - ha...when you are already drowning in your own shit, you are open to the possibility of more shit somehow lifting you up into the air. The joke was on him: I played on his ego and he caved in despite his admission that, "I was ACTUALLY considering knocking this guy out". And then he went on to justify my opinion of him by tossing out concern for his "best friend" only to satisfy
himself, championing his own good deed on behalf of his so-called "best friend" and openly (as people do in online journals) defending himself to himself against my criticisms. Seems he got off the phone without dealing with what
he wanted to.
He should have just gotten it over with and slugged me - that is what he wanted.
My grievances run deeper, as I am here speaking of it again. Unresolved....so much unresolved. I suppose I am half wishing to resolve it now. Sometimes I wonder if I regret not sending him my response to what he wrote - just for that base "caught ya" moment. Seems bizarre, as I have no contact with him and could care less - I would rather just never think of him again. When I do, I suppose I wonder if he convinced himself he came out of that as the victor. What a terrible human frailty - the idea that one can correct the necessary revisionism of others, done in order to save face or convince themselves that face was not lost. Why that need for things to be stamped out as accepted fact? Why am I yammering on about this? The truth is: no one wins, there are only those who suffer more. And when I stroked his ego and apparently made him feel like I was "frustrated with [him] because [he] seem to have everything figured out", it was not that I was directly jealous of him, it was that I am jealous of all those who do not suffer as much as I do. Do I find it frustrating that all sorts of idiots and jackasses are infinitely happier than I am? Of course. I should remind myself of better people who are even more worse off than I am.
And so what comes of this? Does any of this have to do with that guy or the tambourine? No, not much...it's old news. I wonder if I should even post this. I wrote it, I may as well. There is something in the action of publishing. I sense that the is something far worse in denying the urge.
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