NEW DAY RISING

[Just Some Girl]

More from Neville: "I have a much nicer couch.  I think you should come by to see the end of it's a wonderful life."

Is he hitting on me?!

Kinda seems like it, but I'm so clueless...

[Just Some Girl]

I should get offline before I say or do something (more) stupid.

[matthew]

If that was a date (which it wasn't) then I have been dating this girl regularly since December.

That's what I told you ages ago. You just chose not to define it that way, and clearly still don't. I'm sorry you were disappointed by this first attempt at a "relationship" (FACE IT!) in many years, but you can't let it ruin the whole notion of being with someone -- your whole "destined to be alone" thing which, if you don't change, will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

All I can tell you is what I've been telling you for months. And I don't wanna type all of that out again.

But I do fee very sympathetic. Hang in there...  (sounds hollow, but I mean it)

I usually think of "dating" as something that couples have somehow mutually established as  somewhat romantic. Is "dating" just doing shit together? This is wherein all the confusion lay: in that she was not at all open with me. She was all over the place and ambiguous as she could be at all times. I was left in the dark and expected to run the show but WITH NO INDICATION OF WHAT WAS DESIRED. If I nudged, I seemed to receive 'unwelcome' messages in return. Even that was schizophrenic. She hid things from me, she clearly lied on more than one occasion, she even told me she would block me from viewing her pictures on her bloody Facebook page...all the while building up some day together that was cancelled last minute (along with everything else since mid-March). What motivated that? Guilt? Did she feel guilty when she cancelled? Was it malicious? How the fuck should I know, she said NOTHING OF IT. I ask her questions and I get shrugs...but she doesn't come out and say anything and then she DOES...and then withdraws.  

I said a million times that I did not care how the 'relationship' was defined, as long as it was eventually fucking defined. Whatever it was it ended before that ever happened...even if took four months.

I have also said, several times, that it is NOT JUST THIS. It is EVERYTHING. This is clearly the most major of minor shitty incidents in my current social life, but it is not at all alone and certainly would not be the incident alone that casts off all home of a relationship in the future. I am miserable in every single nook and cranny of my own existence.

As I described above, I do believe in predestination (now, if I was psychologically damaged enough to lie down on the floor right now and slowly starve to death over weeks I would be an entirely different person, I could not FORCE that change) in a manner of speaking, so there is a thin line separating "self-fulfilling" and "knowing".

I did not make her cancel the xbxrx show, but I knew at least five days in advance that she was going to. That does not make me Muhammed, but it means I am aware of at least some of which is around me and what is coming. I do feel that I am not going to be well enough ever to attract anyone.

Confidence is overrated. And I do not believe that is the issue at all...if anything its the fact that I am entirely unappealing.

And I don't mean physically (although that is included).

I believe its the depression.  

[Just Some Girl]

I believe it's the depression, too. You are not unappealing, but you feel you are, which probably does make you approach people in a negative way. "Being miserable" is not a way to face the world, and yet that's what you are doing. And you know it, but that doesn't fix anything.

That's part of the self-fulfilling prophecy thing I think I meant.

I agree that for a relationship to be defined as "romantic" it has to be by both parties. I guess I just figured that with all that time you guys spent together a deux, that it was moving towards that, albeit slowly. I guess I figured that a girl doesn't spend that much time alone with a guy if she's not interested. But I don't know S___, so I don't know what's in her head, how she operates, etc., and you do, so if you say she was behaving fraudulently, you'd know better than I. (And then why would you even want to pursue anything with a person like that?) I still hold that it's possible that she was interested (hence, spending all that time with you), but somewhere along the line changed her mind and was shitty about how she indicated that to you.

I really don't know what to say...

[matthew]

At first I took the bizarre aspects as "quirks", but I did say very early on that I was unsure and somewhat uneasy about some of personality that she was open about (her obsession with all things mean-spirited being the big warning sign that I wish I had heeded: I do believe she may have been trying to move away from that (in retrospect, this may have been a motivating factor in trying to cover some aspects of her past - that she was trying to be "someone new" and more mature.

Damnit, you know, after typing the paragraph above I went to make myself tea and an early conversation of ours popped into my head and it seems to almost confirm some of this. It was very early in our "relationship". It may have been one of the first nights we hung out after class...we ended up in some little underground crepes den and had drank coffee and talked until we were kicked out (we did not realize everyone else had left and the remaining waitress had closed everything up and placed all the chairs on the tables except ours)...it was the most "date-like" of our "dates".

I asked for her to fill me in on the rest of a story I had overheard her telling some others who sat around her in class. I knew little of it except that it involved an illicit newspaper that she ran at her high school and had gotten into trouble with "the authorities" over. I figured it was some sort of romantic, noble, heroic, anti-establishment rant or something. When I asked for her to tell ME the story she had enthusiastically told (to laughter) to others, she refused. After some pressing she said, "I don't want to tell you because I'm afraid you won't like me if I do." and "If I tell you you will think I am a bad person" Eventually she gave in (I stubbornly suggested that only her revealing herself as a Neo-Nazi would perturb me) and rushed through a shame-filled, truncated version where she admitted that she had actually been busted for bullying another student with her newspaper. It was far from being romantic or noble (in fact, I was quite shocked - as I had been the victim of bullying, though I am not aware of any journalism written in my honor) and I understood why she wanted to keep it from me but it's interesting that she only wanted to keep it from me.

At the time I could not at all match the girl in that story (a popular mean girl) with the personality she was putting forth to me (a quiet, shy, introverted girl) and I tried to put it out of my mind (but couldn't and was always unnerved by it).

I am becoming very sleepy now, but it seems clear that she was trying to be someone different around me...perhaps she simply could not keep it up. Again, I mean, she did not want me to see her Facebook page specifically because it was "embarrassing" - though everyone she knew from school who was on there had access to it and she did not mind...but she specifically wanted to bar me from seeing her drunk and being an ass.

I feel like sending her Yarber's "Honey, I'm Too Old For You"  

Or getting drunk and showing her what a real drunken ass is like.

Then send her "My Love Is A Monster" or "Bad Man"

[matthew]

So here's to not dying in our sleep and a better tomorrow!


and apologies for a shitting all over the admirable "New Day Rising" thread.

[brainfiber]

the answer is obvious...JSG and Matt need to hook up...i totally see a totally happening relationship...i totally see a two person band coming out of the whole deal too...matt on the drums...and JSG just fronting sassy vocals...

Just keep that Jer out of the picture...i see him playing the part of Yoko.

[Just Some Girl]

We'll be sure to name our first child after you, bf.

[Just Some Girl]

WTF CNN?

(apologies if someone's previously posted that little gem)

[Syy]

Hello fellow crapiteers!!!
Sorry for my absence, I've been working 14 hr days 7 days a week. And I'm  starting to feel the madness.
I think I'm gonna breakdown and purchase one of these.
In black

[Syy]

I did have a bit of excitement last weekend.
After getting off work from the book store, my gf set up the house in candles and wanted to have one of those evenings. I get home and the place is like a candle shop, and in the bedroom there's this plate full of really small candles,on the night stand next to the bed, the kind of candles in those tin cups.
And like a dumbass I put my cigarettes and lighter on the table and mistakenly I laid my lighter on the plate.
A few hours pass by.
Well close to the moment of climax there's this huge explosion, and I dont mean the kind that usually happens in bedrooms. Looked like some kind of hoduken fireball. It didnt do any damage. Just covered a portion of the wall in wax.
It was badass though, reminded me of the time I lived in Arizona, and me and some friends would go to the desert at night, get drunk throwing aerosol cans into the bonfires and watch them blow up. (silly shit)
In the aftermath we couldnt figure out how it happened. I thought maybe the plate got hot or something, until I noticed under the bed my lighter still intact, covered in wax dented beyond belief.
We've decided in the future to just keep the lights on.

[Just Some Girl]

ILTS!!