hey, jack miner

[matthew]

...could you conserve me?

so...the plans yesterday got cancelled...again...

and remember when I said this on Thursday:

I half expect her to pull out of the later show we have tickets for this month...she was the one who suggested Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, and that's like a real show and real price of $23 and the following Friday...xbxrx was a band she knew nothing of except now about their "notorious" nature...and that show is a mere week before she leaves...it would be an $8 loss and nothing more and she could state a plethora of reasons why she cannot go...exams, getting ready to leave, "being scared", not feeling like it...g od knows. It's just that everything we didn't have expensive tickets for since mid-March has been cancelled and contact has dropped (which she has cited as her having to work - though it seems clear that she has been busy with others and has not cut contact with them like she has me, but increased it) ...she hardly speaks to me and everything seems grey and distant.  It was like a corkscrew in the guts.

And it ain't just this, clearly...

It's just when you have so little to hold on to, it doesn't take much.

I want to get so fucked up I forget who I am again.

Well, I woke up to this email in response to my quick email yesterday asking, simply, "Feeling any better?" (because Sunday night she had cancelled our plans for Monday because she wasn't feeling well...and had not responded to my response to my response to the cancellation/get well, etc.):

"Yeah, but I don't know if I'll be able to do anything other than Clap Your Hands. I might not want to go to xbxrx... I don't know."

[matthew]

At this point I don't know if I want to go to the goddamned Clap Your Hands show...I feel like a "use as needed" companion.


I have really had enough of close to everything now.

Of what surrounds me.

There is probably a potentially content (as happy as people ever get, you know) life out there for me somewhere...I just don't think I am going to make it through the miles of shit that surround me to get to it.

Not strong enough.

Again, it's not that this particular incident is a tragedy or anything...it is  just that each of these events cut through me life a knife through butter fat because I am so empty inside.

[matthew]

I really can't believe I am still sober.

[matthew]

9500 posts

Well, no one can take that away from me.

[The New Shabba Doo]

Sorry about that Matt, that's always a weird situation.  Whenever I'm feeling upset and/or confused, I do an I Ching reading.
it always gives you a good perspective on things.
this was my reading this morning:
___     ___
_  _     _  _
_  _     _  _
___     ___
_  _.    ___
_  _     _  _    

just consult your favorite oracle and check the book:
I Ching (Wilhelm translation)

[Kimmy]

That sucks Matt.

Good morning everyone.

[Tripp]

Matt, what you do is you write her back a real casual letter that says something like, "Thats totally cool, there's this other girl I wanted to take anyway. Maybe some other time"

[Kimmy]

Matt, what you do is you write her back a real casual letter that says something like, "Thats totally cool, there's this other girl I wanted to take anyway. Maybe some other time"

Bingo!! Tripp you are a genius!

[Tripp]

Or maybe leave out the part about the other girl and just say "actually thats cool. you just did me a big favor"

[bebopbalogna]

There is probably a potentially content (as happy as people ever get, you know) life out there for me somewhere...I just don't think I am going to make it through the miles of shit that surround me to get to it.

there is, and you will.


and do what tripp said.    

[Tripp]

....

[Tripp]

christ it's fuckin dead in here.

[Kimmy]

christ it's fuckin dead in here.

you are correct sir

[Tripp]

BBQ team orders are coming in now.  Lot of "pigs as bulls" designs.  We're saluting Spain this year so everyone's shirts have ( as I predicted)  huge pigs with horns doing bull-fighting or the bull-run kinda crap.

I hate bbq fest. Hope all these motherfuckers choke on pork and have heart attacks.

[Kimmy]

BBQ team orders are coming in now.  Lot of "pigs as bulls" designs.  We're saluting Spain this year so everyone's shirts have ( as I predicted)  huge pigs with horns doing bull-fighting or the bull-run kinda crap.

I hate bbq fest. Hope all these motherfuckers choke on pork and have heart attacks.

I totally just choked on my coffee..............i am howling.......